Beau
Can you believe his name is Beau. His name was Beau. Not because he's dead but becasue I'll never see him again.
It happened like this. Last summer I felt like I was going to die. I quit one of my jobs that took most of my time, and concurrently made a Tinder profile looking for casual sex. I was extremely lucky to meet Beau. He was so kind. A very giving lover, but ten years my younger. And he desperately wants to have kids, so we were both quite certain in what exactly the nature of our relationship was.
Freeing but it also drove how exactly how old I have gotten. It's a gift to be older, but I'm reminded that a certain point it's just an endless series of letting go of things, or endless until it all really ends. I never worried about my decision to not have kids, but I did recognize at some point in my 30s that now was the time to change my mind if I wanted to. It's just sweetly sad to be here in my 40s feeling like I'm waiving at a special gift after its floated away out of my reach forever. I don't know how to make peace with the fact that I didn't want the gift, it's a nice gift to be offered you know. It's a little different than I thought it would be, aging out of being a biological mother.
So back to Beau. I loved making love to him, but I was never in love with him. Loved him as a person, but not in love with him as a person. Even if I could unwind the clock ten years or fast forward things for him, he's not for me and I'm not for him. He's handsome, and hardworking, and very very human. He would have these tender thoughtful moments where he showed his truest colors. His kind heart, the kind of heart I want. Not mine, but also something I wanted.
So when I texted him and he said he'd met someone I was genuinely happy for him. I really want nothing more for him than to have a wife and have children. I don't think I've ever met a man who wanted kids more and I know he'll be such a good dad.
So why did I feel so heartbroken? Was it just the culmination of things and all the Beaus I didn't get? All the things I didn't know I didn't know? I don't know. I'm quite certain that if I had him I wouldn't want him, but he's also perfect and she's lucky to have him.